


Everytime I Poop, I Think of You

by suckaknob



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bickering, Drinking, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Las Vegas Wedding, M/M, Slow Build, brief nudity, lots of insults, throwing up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-02-08 15:05:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1945677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suckaknob/pseuds/suckaknob
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on <a href="http://fuzzyporcupine.tumblr.com/">Fuzzyporcupine's</a> prompt idea: getting married while drunk </p><p>Eren and Levi spend the night drinking and getting into a lot of trouble. They wake up to a lot of surprises.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wake Up, Sleepy Head

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is absolutely not serious. Like, I know there's a lot of run-on sentences and fragments but that's how I wanted to portray Eren. I have to say that writing this was really fun. 
> 
> Should only be a few ch. but I don't know yet. Thanks for reading! <3
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't know about marriage in LV so like, idk just deal with it

The distinct taste of a thousand cotton balls in his mouth was Eren’s first hint. The warmth enveloping his back and the tightening of a muscled arm around his side was the second hint. The third hint was the weight of something wrapped around his ring finger.

“The fuck?” Opening crusty eyes that burn once air hit them, Eren wondered idly if he was kidnapped in the middle of the night. It wouldn’t be the first time, strangely enough. Once his vision cleared, Eren noticed that there was the feeling of breath brushing the back of his neck and the distinct smell of cigarettes permeating from the body behind him.

Eren hated cigarettes.

The body behind him shifted, the arm wrapped around Eren’s waist tightening so much that Eren found that breathing was a lot more difficult than it had been a few seconds ago. Coughing, Eren shoved at the arm and squirmed underneath it, avoiding the grabbing appendage as it tried to reach for him. Unfortunately, Eren was never one to be graceful and the searching hand grabbed the hem of Eren’s boxers, pulling them down as Eren fell out of the bed with a loud thump, legs halfway on the bed.

“Fuck!”

Dick hanging out and eyes squeezed shut in pain, Eren didn’t notice the other body in the room was starting to wake up until a pair of eyes was pinning him to the piss smelling carpet. Goosebumps traveled along Eren’s tanned skin, eyes widening as his stomach gave an uncomfortable lurch. “Oh fuck.” That explained the disgusting cigarette smell.

The eyes glanced briefly down at Eren’s exposed junk, nose twitching like an unimpressed cat at the sight of a dead rat. Hackles rising, Eren wondered exactly what that look was for, it wasn’t like his dick size was smaller than average, even if that look said otherwise. Eren recounted the large amount of dicks he had compared to his and relaxed with the knowledge that he wasn’t lacking anything in the penis department. If penis size was a class in high school, he would have definitely gotten an A+.

With that settled, Eren swallowed past the thick feeling in his mouth and cleared his throat, staring at the clenched hand around his boxers that were still wrapped around his ankles. The hand let go of the precious article of clothing and Eren quickly covered himself up, stomach rolling uncomfortably with the movement.

Glancing up, Eren caught the familiar eyes glaring down at him, thin lips pursed in distaste, “Want to tell me why the fuck you’re in my bed and why the hell I feel like my head’s been hit with a hammer?”

Eren’s eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms over his chest, still lying on the piss carpet because getting up would mean threatening to puke his guts out and he’d rather not embarrass himself any more than he already had. “I don’t know, _Levi_ , why don’t _you_ tell me why _you’re_ in _my_ bed and _my_ mouth feels like it’s full of cotton?”

Levi rubbed a hand over his face, finally breaking his creepy gaze away from Eren, “Oh god, why are you talking so loud and why the fuck did you put emphasis on the majority of that sentence, god I hate you so much,” he groaned.

Eren glared up at the ceiling, asking his mom in heaven to forgive him for his next words. Taking a deep breath to ready himself for the battle of a lifetime, Eren raised a nagging finger in the air, mouth open as he readied for words to leave him. But in the next instant his angry stomach did a somersault and he stood up so quickly that he was surprised he didn’t hurt himse- “Ow!” Eren yelled as he ran into the end table in his hurry to get to the bathroom and he crouched over the toilet. The phrase ‘spilling your guts’ never hurt so much.

The bathroom door opened behind him as his stomach yelled at him and punished Eren dearly for his transgressions, the thought, _‘Why mom?’_ running through his head over and over again. Cold fingers tickled his upper back and Eren idly wondered as yesterday’s lunch was expelled from his stomach, why the fingers smelled like Satan’s left ballsack.

“That’s so fuckin’ gross. Hurry the fuck up, I need to take a fuckin’ shit.”

That was when Eren realized that Satan wasn’t in hell, he was right behind him with his disgusting ball sack smelling feet pressed against Eren’s bare back. In a moment of relief, Eren rested his forehead on his forearm, the sound of the toilet flushing soothing for some reason, breathing hard. After the toilet shut up, he spat, “Die, Satan!”

 “What the fuck did you just call me? Huh, fuckin’ nerd? What was that?”

“Ugh,” Eren groaned as his back was repeatedly shoved, “Satan please, I’m begging you to shut the hell up.” He took a deep, shuddering breath as his stomach seemed to calm, adding as an afterthought, “And don’t call me a nerd.”

Scoffing, Satan pulled his foot away from Eren’s back after one last shove, “I’ll call you what you are, idiot.”

Hearing retreating footsteps, Eren rubbed his mouth and pulled away from the toilet, back against the cool surface of the wall opposite. Grimacing at the disgusting taste of bile, Eren surveyed his surroundings and frowned, where the fuck was he?

☆*:.｡..｡.:*☆

“So… we’re in a motel.”

“Yes.”

“And we had sex last night?”

“What? No, you fuckin’ idiot!”

“Oh. Thank god. So we’re in Las Vegas.”

“Yes.”

“And we’re… married.”

“Unfortunately.”

Awkward tension filled the heavy atmosphere, both pair of eyes avoiding each other, the smell of fatty McDonalds showcasing their penchant for some greasy food while hung over.

Eren cleared his throat, lips sucked into his mouth as he looked at his feet, “Well, I mean. Why?”

Levi pressed a hand to his face, head bent over his knees from where he sat in the chair on the opposite side of the motel room, “What the fuck do you mean why? Why what? Use your words, shit head.”

“Oh sorry, why the fuck would I marry someone like you? Is that better?”

Eren shrugged at Levi’s piercing glare in a, ‘you asked’ way. “I don’t know, why don’t we go back in time and ask your drunk self, hm? Sound like a plan?”

“You can do that?” Eren blinked at Levi, head tilted to the side.

Giving an exasperated look at the wall behind Eren that distinctly reminded him of that camera thing people do in that one TV show, Eren scowled as Levi pulled out his cell phone, ignoring Eren’s question. Dialing a number, Levi held his cell phone to his ear, not sparing Eren a glance as he waited for the person to pick up.

Frowning, Eren looked down at his left hand, grimacing at the twisty tie that was wrapped around his ring finger, kind of remembering how Levi had whisper-spat in his ear, ‘Only the best for my babe,’ as he tied it around his finger sometime last night. He wondered what Levi wore as a ring.

“Hello… yes, I have an idiot here who thinks time travel is a real thing and I’d like to have him committed.”

Eren’s head snapped up and his mouth dropped open as Levi’s words registered, “The fuck? Levi!” Scrambling up, Eren ran over to Levi and tried to snatch the phone from the older man but despite the height difference, Levi avoided Eren’s attempt to grab him and continued to talk to the other person on the line, “And now he’s attacking me, I seriously think you should get here soon. With a big knock-out needle. And a strait jacket, preferably, he has claws. Do you like rabies? Well he has that and unless you want rabies you should bring like, hazmat suits or something.”

After a moment’s struggle, Eren finally managed to pin Levi to the ground and wrestle the phone from his grasp, glaring at the man as he told the person on the line that he had graduated high school with straight C’s and that he has no criminal record, that there was no need to come and take him away because no, he didn’t have rabies, he’d had his shots, thank you very much.

After hanging up, Eren glared down at Levi, arms crossed over his chest for the millionth time that day. Levi raised an eyebrow up at Eren, the hint of -if Levi were human, but he’s not because he’s Satan himself- a smile twitching at the corner of his lips.

“Listen, Levi. I’ve had the unfortunate experience of knowing you for ten years thanks to mutual friends. I don’t like you anymore than you like me, so don’t act like it’s the end of your world when in reality my world is ending too,” Eren shifted on top of Levi and pulled his own phone out of his pocket. “It’s noon, so maybe if we go to city hall or something we’ll be able to null the marriage… Do you even remember anything from last night?”

Levi’s hands slid up Eren’s thighs as Levi looked lost in memory, not seeing the panicked expression on Eren’s face as Levi’s fingers stroked his skin. “Hm, very little. I know that we went to one of those drive-thru marriage places and I remember being impressed with how fast it was. Other than that, n- What the fuck is that?”

Eren’s hands covered his face and he stiffened, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. “N-Nothing, okay?” Levi’s hands dropped from Eren’s thighs like Eren actually had rabies (he swore he didn’t) and Eren quickly shook himself of his stupor and slid off of Levi, getting up to go to the bathroom. “I have to piss.”

“… Okay?” The sound of multiple question marks followed in Eren’s wake.

Once inside the bathroom, Eren looked between his legs and glared down at his boner. Chastising Lil’ Titan for being a naughty boy, Eren ran a hand through his hair and tried to think of his grandma in her bikini that one time the whole family went to the beach before she died.

Tilting his head back against the wall, Eren expelled a deep sigh, cursing Satan and how attractive he was with his dark hair and squinty eyes that pierced through Eren and made  Lil’ Titan perk up.

☆*:.｡..｡.:*☆

“What do you mean we have to wait a month before filing for a divorce?”

Eren winced at Levi’s harsh tone, remembering that Levi was a lawyer and had won many cases throughout his long as fuck life because wasn’t he like five hundred or something? Eren shrugged and flicked his imaginary long hair over his shoulder, not catching the judging glance an old lady threw his way, probably calling the crazy institute ASAP (wouldn’t be the first time).

“Listen, obviously there’s been a mess up here, we were drunk last night and probably thought we were different people. You’ve got to do something.”

Glancing over his shoulder at Levi’s tense form by the counter, Eren worried his bottom lip, turning back around to look at the picture of some old dude that had done something important twenty years ago that kind of looked like Levi if he squinted really hard and imagined Levi with lots of wrinkles and no hair. Bored of the old fart in the picture, Eren spotted heaven in the form of a bowl and walked over to it, mouth drooling.

“You can’t seriously expect me to be married to… _that?”_

Feeling the heated glares from behind him, Eren slowly turned to look at Levi and the desk clerk, face sheepish as his stuffed cheeks protruded like a chipmunk, mint wrappers spread out around him. He swallowed nervously and choked, forgetting that he had a mouthful of mints stuffed in his mouth. He ran over to a trash can and leaned over it, spitting the mints out, coughing as his throat cleared.

The desk clerk gave Levi a sympathetic glance and shook her head, “I’m sorry, _really_ sorry, but there has to be at least one month in between the ceremony and when you file for a divorce. I wish I could help, but maybe you shouldn’t drink so much next time?”

Levi glared at the woman and turned around, steaming as he grabbed Eren’s elbow and dragged him out of the building.

“You know, I think out of all the things that have happened these past few days; that went pretty well.”

“Eren, shut the hell up.”

“That’s Mr. Ackerman to you, missy.”

“I swear to god, I will rip your lips off and shove them up your asshole if you don’t shut up.”

“But… baby, I just wanna shower you with my love…”

“…”

“Ow… okay shutting up.”

“It’s going to be a long fuckin’ month.”


	2. I Don't Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi pulls the angelic big brother card. Eren can't catch a break. And it's revealed why the boys are in Las Vegas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, the level of hilarity might go down each chapter just because I'm lame

“Where the fuck have you been?”

Petrified and maybe a little wet (like pee wet, not slick pussy wet) that he had been late to only the most important day of his best friend’s life, Eren blinked his big doe eyes up at Mikasa from where he sat. His bottom lip wobbled as she glared down at him, hands on her hips in a way that reminded Eren of his mom when he accidentally started a fire in the kitchen with his G.I Joe and the microwave. Woah, flashbacks man.       

“W-Why are you so mad, Mikasa? I’m only forty-five minutes late… Plus,” Eren pointed a finger at Levi’s hunched over figure, the volume of his voice raising, “Plus, Levi’s late too! Why don’t you scold him?”

Eren cowered as Satan slowly turned and looked at him with his special, murderous eyes, fangs peeking out from his disgustingly chapped lips. Naïve little Mikasa shook her head, flyaway pieces of hair swinging with the motion as she glared down at Eren, “Don’t try and bring Levi in this. The only reason he was late was because he was trying to find your sorry ass and make sure you weren’t face first in some stripper’s jugs.”

Throwing Levi a what-the-fuck face while silently putting Levi in the number one spot just before grass stains of the list of things Eren wanted gone from the Earth, Eren wondered how the fuck Levi had managed to pull that excuse out of his fat ass. Putting on an angelic face, much unlike Satan’s ugly mug, Eren blinked up at his best friend and pointed a finger at himself, “Wha-? Me? I would never!”

“Eren…” Mikasa placed a hand over her face, careful not to smudge her make-up as she expelled a long sigh, body relaxing as she seemed to come to terms that her lousy best friend was only good for one thing; his hot bod.

Noticing the defeated stance, Eren jumped up from his seat and placed his hands on Mikasa’s shoulders, face looming close to hers, “Don’t worry about it, the most important person is here: me.” Distantly, Eren could hear Levi groaning and smacking his palm to his forehead from over in the corner of the small dressing room but since Eren doesn’t associate with devil worshippers he shrugged it off as Levi just being Levi and doing Satan-like things for no reason other than to call attention to himself because he’s a little attention whore. Eren continued on like nothing happened. “Today’s your special day. Pretty soon, you’ll be popping out baby ostrich’s and I’ll be the best uncle any kid has ever seen!”

From his time-out corner, Levi’s voice interrupted Eren, muttering, “Horses. You fucking idiot, people compare Jean to horses. You were the one to make the fuckin’ joke in the first place, you garage hole. How the fuck do you mess up your own joke?”

Eren’s smiling expression froze, voice tense, “Mikasa, please tell the Antichrist to get the fuck out of America and go back to Hell where he belongs, he’s polluting my wonderful personality.”

Mikasa rolled her pretty little eyes and shoved Eren away, dress flowing behind her as she sat down in front of her mirror-desk thing (Eren didn’t know what the fuck it was called. He was a man and men didn’t concern themselves with proper furniture names). “You two are still at it, I see. Ever since I introduced you to my big brother, Eren, you’ve hated his guts. I swear, if you two would just take two minutes to have a civil conversation, you’d realize that you have a lot in common.”

Big bro Levi sat his fat ass on the mirror-desk thing and glared over Mikasa’s head at Eren, “Maybe, but if a certain bimbo hadn’t spilled his fruity drink all over me, then maybe we would have been, I don’t know, married or something by now.” Was that a twinkle in Levi’s eye?

Eren let out a large, over-dramatic gasp and placed a hand over his heart, “What are you saying, baby? That our marriage isn’t real?” Eren narrowed his eyes at Levi as Mikasa bent down to retrieve something she dropped and raised his left hand up to his face, nuzzling the twisty-tie with an attempt at an orgasmic expression.

Rolling his eyes, Levi turned his attention to his sister as she sat up, his Satan expression relaxing before Mikasa could see it, “Look at you, so beautiful, my baby sister is.”

“What are you Yoda now?”

Ignoring the mumbling lunatic, Levi grabbed Mikasa’s hand and squeezed it gently, “I never thought this day would come, but it has. And pretty soon you’ll have someone else’s last name and I’ll be all that’s left.”

_“Oh for god’s sake.”_

 “Don’t be silly Levi, once you marry you’ll have lots of little Ackerman’s running around,” Mikasa patted her brother’s hand, not noticing his wince and stood up, taking a deep breath. Glancing between the two people she loved most, she squared her shoulders, face hardening with purpose and grabbed her bouquet, “Alright. It’s time.”

Watching the Asian wonder woman walk out the door, Eren and Levi waved like two old parents watching their kid leave for their first day of school. “We’ll be the ones behind the one who’s waiting at the end of the aisle,” Eren called, tissue that he pulled out of nowhere waving goodbye as tears welled up in his eyes, hand over his mouth. With one last look over her shoulder, Mikasa disappeared around the corner, no doubt going to the room where her bridesmaids were waiting to prepare for the ceremony.

Eren reached out blindly as he was suddenly attacked by a large wave of pain from his chest unlike anything he’d ever felt, tears falling from his eyes as he grasped Levi’s arm and hugged it, “Our baby,” he spluttered, face pinching as tears rolled down his cheeks and onto Levi’s sleeve, “All grown up.”

Levi continued to stare at the spot that Mikasa had disappeared from, lost in his thoughts as he distantly agreed in a quiet voice. Feeling wetness on his bicep, Levi looked down and blanched, trying to wrench his arm from the clinging leech that was wiping snot onto his jacket. “What the fuck, Eren? Let go of me, you’re getting my suit wet with your gross liquids!”

A loud wail sounded from Eren as he buried his face farther into Levi’s arm, sniffling in a broken voice, “It’s just you and me now, all the babies have flown from the nest.”

Pushing on Eren’s wet, snotty face, Levi finally managed to extract himself from the bastard, scowling at the large wet spot on his sleeve. “Look what you’ve done, you fuckin’ idiot. God, go wipe your face or something, the ceremony starts in two minutes and I won’t have you making a fool out of Mikasa for befriending a crybaby like you.”

Overly big eyes snapped open, wailing cut short as the both of them froze, staring at each other in horror, “The ceremony!” The two men scrambled to the door, faces panicked as they ran down the hall towards the church. Screeching to a stop right outside of the door, Eren and Levi turned to each other and checked each other’s appearance. Eren brushed away at a piece of dust on the shorter man’s shoulder and Levi wiped Eren’s face of tears and straightened Eren’s tie, tightening it so much that Eren choked and swatted at Levi’s hand, throwing a glare as he loosened it. Forever the just-rolled-out-of-bed look.

Idiot.

Satan.

Pushing the doors open, they quickly scurried inside and found their places, Eren placing a reassuring hand on the groom’s twitching shoulder and Levi barely sparing a glance for the nervous man as he greeted the other groomsmen.

“Good luck, Jean!” Eren whisper-shouted and raised a thumbs up, Levi smacking Eren’s shoulder from where he stood next to him as the crowd quieted and soft piano music filled the room.

 “Shut up, it’s about to start.”

>>>><<<< 

Everything went smoothly.

Except for one thing.

“Eren… where’s the ring?”

“Opps…”


	3. A Lot of Grumbling Tbh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Eren's screw up, lots of insults, news that makes Levi's face turn white like Snow White's ass, and a hubby's duty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :^) Enjoy the lemons

“You’re an idiot Eren, good thing you’re cute.”

“Eren, let me teach you a little something called responsibility.”

“Give me all your money, nerd.”

 “Eren, maybe you should look into professional help for your… habits.”

“I hope when you get married that you trip and fall into a knife.”

As another angry relative walked away from Eren, the best man’s cheerful smile never faltered as he waved at the retreating figure whose venomous spit was splattered on Eren’s face. The _best_ , best man was glad to know that Mikasa’s and Jean’s relatives still regarded him in the same way as they have for the entirety of their friendship.

“How do you tolerate that?”

Turning to give Levi a look, Eren shrugged and stuffed his hands into his pockets, “What? That? Bah, that’s nothing. You should have seen them last year when I accidentally stepped into the potato salad at the beach. Never have I ever felt more spiritually connected to SpongeBob before.”

“Nevermind, I understand how, because you’re an idiot.”

Levi shook his head and viewed their surroundings from the table they sat at. The wedding ceremony was done and now the reception was well underway, guests coming up now and then to give their blessings to the lovely couple.             

Unfortunately for Eren, that meant angry relatives spouting crude things at him for his blunder at the end of the ceremony, not that Levi blamed them. Eren was lucky that he had found the ring in the bottom of his shoe, otherwise Levi would have had a few choice words given to him and a broom up his asshole.

The only reason he wasn’t angry at Eren for his mishap was because he was too amused watching everyone else lay it on the poor kid.

“Satan will come for your first born one day, young man. Then the balance will be restored in the galaxy.”

“Okay Aunt Gurgle, thanks for stopping by. Hope you have a nice night!” Eren’s tight-lipped smile never wavered as Aunt Gurgle hobbled away, shooting daggers at Eren every once in a while as she ascended back to her nest where she belonged. Eren held in his remark that Satan was seated next to him, short and extremely grumpy. “Damn, I need a drink… Hubby,” Speaking of Satan, Eren turned his gaze towards Levi and blinked, “Will you get me a scotch, pretty please with a popped cherry on top?”

“Dear god, I would like you to forgive my sins and take me to the other side right now, I cannot take this idiot anymore and if I have to sit here and listen to him anymore I will summon a demon. Amen.”

Pouting, Eren crossed his arms over his chest and leaned his head on Levi’s shoulder, “But _Levi_ , god doesn’t accept friend requests from Satan.”

“Promptly combust into flames.”

“Aw, babe, your dirty talk makes me want to stab myself repeatedly in the eyeball.”

“Really? Okay then, ho-“

“I see you two are still at it?” A large, beefy, meaty, sausage-like, kind of like a peperoni if you’re talking about width but eh maybe not, hand settled on Eren and Levi’s shoulders. “How’s married life, you two?”

Slowly, like two owls catching wind of a lollipop (Geddit? Hint: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a lollipop?). Eren and Levi turned to look up at Erwin, eyes wide and slightly afraid. Eren was the one to break the silence, “W-What?”

A dangerous smile slid onto Erwin’s pretty face (if Erwin was a dad, he’d definitely be a dilf ngl), “Oh come on, Eren, who do you think your witness was?”

Levi paled even paler than he was when he heard that the one and true god, Billy Mays had passed on and was no longer able to provide the much needed information about the only thing better than duck-tape; Oxiclean.

Erwin noticed Levi’s pasty complexion, “Levi, you don’t remember your own best man? How rude. I do have to say, it was a surprise to learn that I would be attending _two_ weddings during my time here in Las Vegas, but I couldn’t be happier for the both of you.”

Eren and Levi remained silently horrified as Erwin winked at the two of them and squeezed their shoulders really hard before walking away, mingling with the other guests.

Levi ran a hand through his hair, mouth turned down in a frown as he glanced at Eren, noticing the man’s blotchy face and wet eyes, “For once, I understand why you’re crying. Having Erwin know about us being married is probably the worst thing possible.”

Sniffling, Eren rubbed a hand over his eyes, “I’m n-not crying because of that. Erwin… just gripped my shoulder really tight and I think it might be broken.”

Levi stared at Eren for a few moments before he shook his head, “Nope, I still don’t understand you.” After a few minutes of Eren gathering his composure and the guests glaring at Eren as they passed, Levi stood up, “Alright, I’ve gotta smoke. I’ll get your drink on the way back, same as usual?”

Peeking up at Levi, Eren held in the sarcastic thought, _okay so why aren’t you standing up,_ because he had a feeling Levi wouldn’t get him his drink and he really wanted it. “Yeah. Thank you, darling.”

Levi turned away and placed his napkin that was sitting on his lap onto the table, “Uh huh, sure thing, babe.” Freezing, Levi cursed himself and shook his head, rubbing his temple as he continued walking away, grumbling about annoying husbands.

Eren curled his hands into fists as his eyes trailed Levi until the man exited the room, mind strangely blank. “Huh.” He caught sight of Jean and waved towards the groom, forgetting about the ‘babe’ incident and all other kind of pigs.

“Jean! My main msn, how goes it?”

{{{{{{{{{penis}}}}}}}}}

“Ding dong.”

“Knock knock.”

“What?” Levi’s apartment door swung open, revealing a heavy-eyed Levi and a steak knife poised over Eren’s heart. “Oh. It’s just you. How did you get in?”

Eren’s smile wavered as he stared at the knife, hands raised in a don’t-shoot-me way but with a knife instead of a gun. “Um, yeah it’s just me and some old lady that smelled like death, so why don’t you put away the knife? Nice Satan… Down boy.”

Levi’s grip tightened on the knife’s handle, pissed expression turning into an amused one as he raised an eyebrow. Suddenly, Eren felt like a rat caught in a trap. “Exactly, it’s you. Now, what do you want at two in the morning?”

Still staring at the knife, Eren shuffled anxiously on his feet, “Uh, well, I actually wanted to ask you a favor…” Levi remained silent and Eren continued on, “Can I crash here for a little while?”

Levi’s eyes narrowed, “Why?”

Scratching the back of his neck, Eren sheepishly grinned, “Well, you see… I accidentally called my landlord Satan #2, but don’t worry, you’ll always be my number one, and he threatened to beat me up with a banana.”

Levi stared at Eren, waiting for the punch line. When Eren just shrugged and rocked back and forth on his feet, face completely serious, Levi wondered how Eren had survived so long. “You’re being completely serious? You do know that he could go to jail for beating you up, even if it’s with a banana?”

Eren rolled his eyes and he placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder, face tilted down like a kindergarten teacher does to their student, “Honey, I’m not going to wait till he beats me up for him to be arrested. It’s called planning for the future and I’d love it if I could get past thirty without plastic surgery. Bananas are tough shit, man.”

After five minutes of Levi glaring at Eren, Levi cracked his neck and relaxed his arm, the knife no longer threatening Eren’s poor little heart. Cocking his head towards his apartment, he waved Eren in, grumbling about little boys and weaklings who can’t stand up for themselves. Eren grumbled back as he walked into Levi’s home, both of them glaring at each other as they grumbled.

Finally, Levi motioned to his couch, breaking their heated grumbling competition, “You can stay here for a few nights as long as you clean up after yourself and don’t touch my Triscuits. The couch is all yours, oh and I shit at nine in the morning on the dot, so you better not be in my way.”

With a pointed glare, Levi disappeared down the hallway, leaving Eren to purse his lips and throw his duffel bag onto the floor. Shrugging off his shirt after he grabbed a blanket, Eren settled into the couch.

If he had to rate the couch on comfortableness, it’d be a four. But if he rated it on smell, it’d be a ten. Breathing in deeply, Eren closed his eyes and nestled into the nice smelling couch, mind drifting into sleep.

{{{{{{{{{penis}}}}}}}}}

Warmth gently coaxed Eren from slumber, his eyes cracking open in the morning light as he nestled further into the sturdy pillow he spooned. He hooked a leg over the pillow as he woke, feeling wetness on his cheek no doubt from slobber. He blearily wiped it on the pillow, making a face when he felt the pillow move.

Eyes snapping open, Eren’s mouth dropped in horror, realization cracking through him like one of those whips that Satan no doubt had because he’s kinky little fucker. Somehow he had made it to, what he assumed was, Levi’s bedroom because there was Levi who he was currently spooning. Fear raced through him as he stared at the strip of glossy saliva on Levi’s shoulder that distantly remembered wiping on him.

“Huh?” Levi’s muffled voice made Eren flinch and untangle himself from the waking man, eyes wide in horror. “What the ‘ell?” He rubbed a hand over his face, hair askew as his eyes squinted at Eren and his whole body froze. They stared at each other for a few, tense moments before Levi scrambled towards Eren, face the definition of murder. Eren squealed as he sprung from the bed, stumbling out of the room in nothing but checkered boxers and white tube socks.

Levi glared at the open door as his heart settled, cheeks warm, deciding that chasing after the idiot would be futile. He rolled his eyes as he heard a loud thud and the sound of whining and he sat crossed legged on his bed, hands in his lap as he recalled Eren’s terrified expression with a faint fond expression.

 “Dumbass.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aren't they sour???? Mmm
> 
> Btw, a big thank you to everyone who's commented and left a kudos. I really didn't expect any kind of response, I love you guys :)


	4. Bae

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bae is love. Bae is life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, college and stuff is keeping me busy. Thanks for all the comments, I really enjoy replying to those btw, and all the support :)

Eren nervously chewed on his lip as he heard Levi rummaging around in his room. He knew he was in trouble. There was no way Levi would ever forgive him for trespassing on his territory because Levi was a dog and dogs are territorial. Eren knew that because one time he went to pet a dog that was barking at him from behind a fence and the dog bit him. No matter what Levi says, Eren didn’t cry.

But as an afterthought, now that Eren thought about it, Levi’s butt was firm and kind of nice to be pressed against too, not gonna lie to himself but if Eren had been more aware of his surroundings he prob would have gotten a boner. But that was for another day; a day when he wasn’t going to be killed.

From his spot on the couch, Eren wondered how he could avoid the pummeling he was surely going to receive once Levi exited his bedroom and spotted Eren. Than an idea popped into Eren’s mind and he was pretty sure he was a genius, like, Einstein Dumbledore would not even compare to the brilliance that is Eren Jaegar.

Thirty minutes later and two empty plates and two sets of tableware were set on top of the breakfast bar, the smell of scrambled eggs and bacon wafting from the kitchen and into the bedroom.

Levi’s nose twitched, the smell of food rousing him from his thoughts and making him drift towards the source of the smell with quick steps. He paused when he spotted Eren standing in front of the stove, one hand on the handle of the frying pan and the other holding a spatula. For a minute, Levi was struck with the image of waking up every morning to Eren preparing Levi breakfast but then reality struck him on his butt like his mother did when he purposefully threw up all over Mikasa’s dolls and he shook his head to rid the disturbing images.

Eren was Eren. He’ll never stop being the idiot that stuffed his mouth with mints and stripped all of his clothes at Jean’s bachelor party just because Levi told him he wouldn’t do it. Why would Levi want that kind of morning where he would have to deal with that fucking idiot when Levi was already grumpy from lack of coffee and TV?

“Ah!” Levi was shaken from his thoughts as Eren turned around and saw Levi staring at him. Eren’s face screamed, ‘don’t shove a cactus up my anus, unless you like that kind of thing then I guess I can deal hashtag no ragrets.’ “I didn’t hear you come down the hall…” Eren trailed off awkwardly and scratched the top of his head with the egg-covered spatula.

Levi stared at the pieces of egg in Eren’s hair and sighed, walking up to the taller male and brushing the egg chunks out of the disgusting mess of Eren’s hair. Did the child not shower before cooking breakfast? Glaring at his greasy hand, Levi wiped it on Eren’s chest, grumbling about dirty scumbags.

“So you made me breakfast in the hopes that I would forgive you for sleep walking into my bed?”

 Eren bit his lip and clasped his hands in front of himself, giving Levi an innocent look, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Eren, I’ve seen that crap assed face before when you tried to convince Connie that you were part human part caramel and when he tried to eat you, he started crying because he realized you were lying and he was in the process of eating a human being and you called him a no good cannibal. This is why he has to go to therapy once a month. So don’t try to convince me that you aren’t doing what I think you’re doing right now.”

“Levi,” Eren held out his hands and placed the spatula on the counter, his hands resting on Levi’s shoulders as he looked deep into those shiny silver bullet train eyes, “I would never try to lie to you, you’re the most important person of my life. We’re married, Levi, and we can’t lie to each other like we would before we got hitched.”

Levi pushed Eren’s face away from his with a scowl, eyes zeroed in on the food now that he lost interest in Eren. “Whatever, even if you made me breakfast as an apology, I guess I can find it within myself to forgive you. Just hurry up and feed me.”

Eren scratched his cheek and shrugged, turning back to the food and piling eggs and bacon onto a plate for Levi. Setting it in front of the now seated Levi, Eren put on a charming smile, “Here’s your bae.”

Levi froze, fork midair and eyes focused on the plate of food in front of him. Slowly lifting his gaze, Levi’s eyes narrowed and Eren’s smile wavered, eyes hesitant, “W-What? You don’t like bae?”

Mechanically shaking his head from side to side in disbelief, Levi placed his fork down on the plate and pushed it away from him, face disgusted. “Nevermind, I’ll get something to eat on the way to work.”

Eren fumbled to grab Levi’s arm as the man got up, eyes pleading with him, “Wait! Please eat it! I don’t understand why you don’t like bae!”

Giving Eren a merciless glare, Levi shook his head and snatched his arm from Eren’s grasp, storming down the hall with his short, Satan legs. Eren chased after him, begging the man to stay and eat the food that he had shed blood and semen for.

**_B O O B_ **

“So… what? You’re living with Levi now?”

Eren ran a hand through his hair, dark bags under his eyes, “Yeah. You were on your honeymoon and Armin had some off-campus research trip with Professor Smith.”

Mikasa hummed as she took a sip of her tea, dark eyes watching Eren closely in the dimly lit café, “Well, at least he hasn’t killed you yet.”

Snorting, Eren picked at his Panini, glaring down at the chunks of bread he was holding before stuffing them in his mouth, “Yeah just barely though, the first night he almost cut my head off and put it on a stake to ward off anyone from bothering him again. I had to cook him breakfast that he almost didn’t eat and I had to assuage him by promising to clean the bathroom to his standards.”

Mikasa raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow, eyes wide with disbelief, “ _You_ made him breakfast?”

Perking up, Eren nodded and smiled proudly, “Yep and he even said that it was the best bae he ever had.”

“Eren.”

Said idiot tilted his head and grinned at Mikasa, blinking his eyes at her, “Yes, Mikasa?”

“Bae stands for ‘before anyone else’ not ‘bacon and eggs.’”

Eren’s face fell and he pursed his lips, eyebrows drawn low over his eyes, “I don’t see the difference, t-b-h.”

Mikasa shook her head and hid a smile behind her cup of tea, “Only you, Eren. Only you.”

Eren frowned, “What does the mean, Mikasa? Mikasa? Mikasa, why are you getting up? Are we leaving? Mikasa please answer my question. I don’t understand.

“Mikasa...?”

**_B O O B_ **

Eren fell back into Levi’s couch, exhaustion catching up to him as he rubbed his eyes. He longed to be back in Vegas, sleeping all day and eating non-stop. He was tired of the mundane, lonely life he had and he wanted to have fun for once.

Then an idea popped into Eren’s head.

Sitting up quickly, Eren fished his cellphone out of his pants pocket and typed up a group message (which btw all of his friends tell him to stop sending group messages but he finds that they’re easier than texting everyone individually. Plus he likes to send cute emoji’s to everyone while he’s at work).

   E: _CLUBING AT 10, B THAR B SQUARE! :D_

_J: it’s be there or be square you dumbass_

_E: EVERYONE’S INVITED EXCEPT JEAN!!!_

**_B O O B_ **

“These plebs and their youtubes and their 69chans, people should use Tumblr instead. It’s much more classy and neck-beard supportive.”

Levi nodded his head, not really paying attention to what the stranger was saying as his attention was focused on a certain brunette across the room. Loud music dulled the voice of the guy who was chatting up Levi’s ear about stupid shit and for once he was glad that the cliché pop song was playing, even if it was a song about anacondas or something. Levi didn’t know, he didn’t keep up with youngin’s and their tunes.

Suddenly, Eren’s eyes drifted towards Levi’s and their eyes held for a brief second before Levi looked away, expression blank despite the way his heart stuttered. The corner of his lip lifted in a scowl and he cursed himself, taking a sip of the beer he held in his hand.

“Anyways, it was cool talking deep with you but I’ve gotta go piss.”

Waving away the stumbling guy, Levi pushed away from the bar and made his way over to Eren and his friends. It was only seven when Levi received the text from Eren about going out to the club that evening but he had to agree that a night out was a nice way to unwind after a long week of working. Although the way Eren’s jeans hugged his hips wasn’t helping Levi unwind in the slightest, but he decided that he didn’t mind (he just wished it was anybody but Eren).

“Hey Levi! You finally decided to join the party, eh?”

  Giving Jean a blank look, Levi turned towards Mikasa and wrapped an arm around her waist, whispering in her ear, “Why does your husband think it’s okay to talk to me?”

 Mikasa chuckled and brushed a hand though Levi’s hair, ruffling it as she gazed at Jean with a fond look, “He’s just trying to bond with you, don’t be a devil’s hound.”

Rolling his eyes, Levi pulled away from her, reminding himself to beat Eren up for getting his sister in on the Satan thing, and maneuvered his way towards Eren and Armin, taking in the pile of beer bottles that had accumulated on the table in front of them. Levi sighed, knowing already that Armin was a lightweight and would be halfway to blackout drunk and that Eren was more than tipsy by this point.

  “Le-evi!”

“Here it goes again,” Levi mumbled to himself, not even a little bit surprised that Eren was already slurring. He was such a sloppy drunk. This night was reminding him of Jean’s bachelor party except there weren’t any strippers and Eren wasn’t naked. And hopefully he would stay sober enough to save Levi the pain of secondhand embarrassment.

“Le-evi! Come over here and have a seat!” Eren patted his thighs with a stupid grin and Armin started giggling behind his hand from where he lay. Levi noticed that Armin was lying on his back, legs stretched out across the rest of the booth, leaving no room for Levi.

Standing in front of Eren, Levi glared at the drunken idiot and he asked himself why he even went over to Eren and Armin. They always brought trouble with them wherever they went. Glancing over his shoulder at Mikasa and Jean, he noted that they were in the middle of an intense make-out session; which he wanted nothing to do with.

“Come on Levi…” Eren bit his lip and motioned for Levi to come closer, voice low, “I dare you too.”

“Oi vey…”

 


	5. I Dare You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of dares and a little bit of fanservice with a hint of, oh so that's what happened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long time comin'. Sorry about that, found it physically impossible to write the new chapter.
> 
> I wrote half of this with both eyes and than I stabbed my eye with my headband and finished the chapter with only one eye. Hell ye. 
> 
> Btw, I have a tumblr [here](http://suckaknob.tumblr.com/). Come talk to me :)
> 
> Enjoy!

There was once a time, long ago, when Eren and Levi were alone in a room together. They were in high school, Eren was a freshman and Levi was senior. It was after school and both of them were over at the Ackerman’s house, Mikasa having just left the room in search of something. Tense silence filled the space between Eren and Levi, who were stubbornly having a staring contest; both determined not to lose to the other.

Eren’s eyes started to water but he pushed on, not wanting to lose to Levi. His nose twitched and his eyes widened as he was overcome with a loud sneeze, eyes closing as his lifted a hand to cover his nose. Cursing, Eren grumbled as Levi smirked triumphantly, arms crossed as he watched Eren.

“Shut up, if I hadn’t sneezed, than I would have won.”

Levi raised an eyebrow and hummed, “Okay, Eren, whatever you say. I bet you can’t go a whole day without blinking even if you tried.” He shook his head with a small grin and looked off to the side, thinking about that girl in his biology class with the large tits and how he wanted to ask her out before graduation.

“You’re on!”

Startled, Levi snapped his attention back to Eren and made a face, “What the hell are you talking about, shithead?”

Eren glared and waved towards Levi, eyes flashing brightly with determination, “You bet that I can’t not blink for a whole day. Well, I say I can.”

Levi scoffed and looked up at the ceiling, trying to look for the answer to Eren’s idiocy. “Fine, whatever. But if you lose, you have to give me your Gameboy for a week with no complaints.”

Smirking, Eren reached his hand out for Levi to shake, a mischievous gleam in his eye, “And if I win, you have to clean my room.”

With a wince, Levi shook Eren’s hand, glad that what they were betting on was impossible for Eren to do because there was no way Levi was going to go anywhere near Eren’s room. One time, Levi had seen something moving and growling underneath piles of clothes.

Eren’s mother had to call animal control because a raccoon had made its nest underneath Eren’s bed.

A few hours later, Levi was happily playing Pokémon on Eren’s Gameboy, humming to himself as Eren sulked in the corner, glaring at Levi and cursing him to high hell.

6009

Now that Levi was faced with Eren’s dare, he had no choice but to accept. The few times he had lost to Eren were far and few between and he wasn’t going to let something like sitting on Eren’s lap change that.

Rolling his eyes, Levi walked over towards Eren and plopped down onto the drunk man’s lap. Eren grunted with the sudden weight on his lap but settled for wrapping his arms around Levi’s middle, nuzzling his face into the man’s back.

“Eren,” Armin called from where he was gurgling his spit beside them, a dumb smile lighting up his face, “Eren, you and Levi look so cute like that!” The coconut head giggled to himself as Eren laughed loudly into Levi’s back, spreading his disgusting breath into Levi’s shirt.

“Hey, shit stain, stop panting on me, it’s gross.”

“Ha! Eren, Levi called you a shit stain, ha!” Armin rolled around and hugged an empty beer bottle to his chest before he stopped moving, light snores coming from him.

Levi shook his head and nudged the blonde to the side and climbed off of Eren’s lap, taking the vacant spot that Levi had made right next to him. Leaning his head against the back of the booth, Levi closed his eyes as exhaustion from the day caught up to him. His eyes snapped open when he felt slimy fingers gripping his knee and he looked towards Eren, catching the lustful glint in his eyes.

“Levi… did you know that bananas are heavy in K?” Eren purred.

Levi looked to the side, looking for some sort of explanation as to what Eren was saying. “So?”

“So, why not get your daily dose of potassium from my banana?”

Giving the idiot a blank stare, Levi got up, Eren’s hand sliding away, and he started towards the bar, deciding that if he was going to have to put up with Eren’s ridiculous behavior, he may as well be drunk.

6009

Eren awoke to the strange feeling of his foot being tickled.

He hugged the pillow closer and giggled into the downy surface, eyes squeezing closed as he kicked away whatever was tickling him, “Stop it, Elmo…”

“Fuck!”

Startled, Eren shot up and looked for the source of the voice, surprised to see a large lump at the foot of the bed. It was moving around and Eren’s eyes widened with fear, was it the demon raccoon here to exact revenge on him for not giving him his McDonalds all those years ago?

“Listen, Mr. Raccoon, I’m sorry I didn’t give you that McDonalds years ago, but you have to forgive and forget at some point right? I mean, holding a grudge can’t be good for the dark circles around your eyes.”

Suddenly the covers at the foot of the bed were thrown back and Eren screeched, hiding his face behind the pillow he clutched, “Don’t kill me, Mr. Raccoon!”

“Who the hell is Mr. Raccoon?”

Dropping the pillow, Eren stared wide eyed at Levi’s disheveled appearance, noting the splotchy red mark on his cheek. Confusion hit Eren like that one time Jean socked him in the gut because he had called him a hay eater in preschool. “Levi?”

“Yeah, who the fuck else?” He rubbed his cheek with a grumpy expression, eyeliner from last night smudged around his eyes, giving him the resemblance of a raccoon in Eren’s most honest opinion. And if he continued the honest thing, he’d prefer the demon raccoon to the Satan raccoon. “Jesus Christ kid, you have a strong kick.”

Especially when he looked as annoyed as he did now.

Connecting the dots (which by the way, Eren loved that game so much, he could play it all the time but no one ever wanted to play with him. He cried himself to sleep a lot because of it), Eren realized that Levi had been breathing on Eren’s foot and Eren had mistook it for someone tickling him. He couldn’t say he was sorry. “I can’t say I’m sorry.”

Levi glared at him and got up from the bed, which was actually his bed that Eren seemed to have snuck into in the middle of the night. Again. On his way to the bathroom, he grabbed his cell phone to check what time it was and found that it was noon. He was glad it was a Saturday so he could shower and laze around the apartment.

Looking over his shoulder, Levi glanced at Eren as he picked at his toenails and scrunched his nose in disgust, deciding that asking the man-child to make breakfast wasn’t a smart thing to do. Shaking his head, Levi continued to the bathroom, itching to wash off the smell of Eren’s dirty feet.

6009

Flashing lights and moving bodies entered his line of sight. Catcalls and reaching hands reached for him as he swished his hips back and forth for everyone to see. The music pounded into him and he fought back a grin, eyes closing as he slid down the pole.

“Eren! Eren! Eren!” Chanting fans screamed his name at the top of their lungs and Eren felt powerful. He felt in charge for once and at peace. He felt right.

Suddenly, rough hands grabbed his hips and his eyes snapped open as the new body joined him on the stage, body pressing into his as they danced to the beat of the song. Grinning, Eren wrapped one arm around the newcomer’s shoulder, finding that the person was shorter than he was but he decided that he didn’t mind.

Eren tilted his head back as lips found his pulse point, teeth scraping his neck but not marking his skin in a promise. There were more hoots and hollers as warm lips trailed up Eren’s jaw and hovered over his lips, their breath mingling.

Opening his eyes, Eren caught sight of silver and his heart stuttered, not comprehending what was happening as he stared into Levi’s eyes. His dancing stilled and Levi seemed to catch Eren’s drift and he stepped away, bowing to the cheering crowd before throwing a smirk at Eren over his shoulder.

Eren licked his lips and blew kisses to the crowd before following Levi off the stage and towards the bar. Another person got up on stage and started dancing, albeit not as good as Eren and Levi, as another song started up. Leaning against the bar next to Levi, Eren studied the man with narrowed eyes, vision swimming from all the alcohol he’d consumed already.

“Eren!”

Eren looked over towards Jean as he slung an arm around Levi’s shoulder, causing the man to slowly turn to glare up at the bastard. Jean was done up with a crown and a sash that read, ‘Husband to-be’ and had lipstick smears all over his cheeks. “You guys rocked it up there, who would have known that you worked so well as a team?”

“We don’t.”

Jean laughed and nudged Levi’s hip with his own, “Aw, come on Levi, you have to admit that Eren was pretty tasty before you went up there. Just imagine that times two with you up there with him.”

Eren watched the exchange silently, eyebrows drawn low over his eyes as he tried to concentrate on what they were saying. With a sigh he gave up and ran a hand through his sweaty hair, ordering another drink from the bartender.

“Now that I think about it-“

 “Don’t.”

“You guys are actually really cute together. Like, if you were puzzle pieces, you guys would fit perfectly together. It’s so weird since you guys hate each other,” Jean mused as he sipped his beer. “Anyways, I’ve got to get back to everyone else. I’ll talk to you guys later!” He smiled widely and placed a sloppy kiss on Levi’s cheek, muttering about brothers or something before he skipped away.

 “He’s really drunk.”

Levi looked over at Eren as he wiped his cheek of Jean’s spit, “No shit.”

“So am I but not like that,” Eren sighed and finished his drink, setting it on the counter before glancing over at Levi who was watching him already. “What?”

“I dare you to a drinking challenge.”

Eyes narrowing and lips pulling up into a grin, Eren reached his hand out for Levi to shake, “You’re on.”

“You lose, you have to rub my feet for the next month, with gloves.” Levi smirked and grabbed Eren’s hand, giving it a hard shake as he waved for the bartender and ordered a couple of shots.

“You lose, you have to marry me.”

Levi snorted and picked up two shots, handing one to Eren, “Well it’s pretty obvious who’s going to be the winner here, isn’t it?”

Eren laughed and nodded, clinking his glass to Levi’s before downing it with a wince. “We’ll see.”


	6. Do u guyz like bananas?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A banana a day keeps the Levi away... or does it? ;;;))))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. But I'm on break now and now I have time to write. Love you guys lotsly. 
> 
> I fuckin' love comments and kudos cause I'm an insecure little baby.
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://suckaknob.tumblr.com/)

Eren moaned as the object pushed past his lips, spit dribbling down his chin as he licked around the head. It had been years since Eren had had it in his mouth and he savored the sweet taste of it with eyes closed in pleasure and throat singing his praises. “Fuck yes!”

“Can you and that banana get a room or something? I’m trying to forget that you’re still living with me.”

Eren paused in his chewing and glared over at Levi, cheeks puffing out with banana. “You’re just jealous,” chunks of bananas spewed from his lips as he talked with his mouth full (his mother rolled in her grave) and Levi flinched away even though he was all the way on the couch and Eren was seated at the breakfast bar.

“So jealous…” Levi’s nose scrunched up in disgust as he watched Eren lick up the banana mush that fell from his mouth. His stomach curled at the soft, mushy texture of the spit-covered banana and he quickly turned away before he threw up on his clean carpet.

Grumbling at his failed attempt at seducing Levi, Eren turned his back to Levi, mad at him that he didn’t read Eren’s mind and know exactly what he was thinking because seriously that’s what everyone should do. Why weren’t people reading minds? It was 2014 and all this generation has got to show for it is a thin phone that bends in people’s pockets like, woah, go you.

Smacking his cheek lightly to shake himself from his rambling thoughts, Eren ate the rest of the banana in silence, the TV in the living room the only sound in Levi’s apartment. Eren placed his chin on the palm of his hand as he stared up at the ceiling with starry eyes.

He thought back to that night in the bar at Jean’s bachelor party the night before the wedding when Levi had joined him up on the stage and they had, for once in their lives, chemistry as they danced. And then he thought of the bet, of how stupid he was for saying his terms for the bet even though he for sure thought Levi was going to win, given his past of out-drinking Eren.

Then his thoughts drifted to two nights ago when Levi had sat on Eren’s lap and his butt had felt amazing and right, like Eren’s lap was made for Levi’s ass to sit on. It was like they were puzzle pieces made to fit together and all Eren had to do was make the connection and they would be one.

But Eren would never say it out loud. No that would be accepting defeat from the Satan Lord and Eren was too prideful to do that, he was a man and men don’t give in to their feelings. No way, Jose; that was just asking to be mocked by Ostrich-face and worst of all his best friend. Eren shivered as he imagined Mikasa’s non-stop jokes about how Eren liked Levi all this time and she knew it, she fucking knew it! Which, was false, because no way did Eren like Levi; at least not until they accidentally got married and were accidentally tied together through all means.

By now the memories of their drive-thru wedding were clear although, now that he thought about it, what did he give Levi as a ring? Eren had gotten a twisty tie but for the life of him he couldn’t remember what he’d given Levi. Had he given Levi a ring?

“You chew like a fuckin’ cow, can you please stop or like, learn to not chew so fuckin’ loud?”

Eren swiveled in his chair was a thoughtful look, ignoring Levi as he stood up and walked to the living room, leaning against the doorjamb that was, weirdly, missing a door that divided the kitchen from the living room. “Levi.”

“What?” Levi didn’t pull his gaze away from the TV and clutched the giant pillow to his chest tighter as he watched the screen with an enraptured gaze. When he glanced at Eren’s still waiting figure, he returned to watching the TV, “I’m a little busy here, can it wait?”

“No.” Eren crossed his arms over his chest and pouted with a glare.

“You look constipated.” Levi stared at the TV screen for a few silent seconds before he sighed loudly and flicked it off, slapping a hand against the back of the couch with an annoyed expression. “You’re lucky I’m recording the new episode of House Wives of Atlanta, otherwise your ass would be halfway to Mexico.”

Eren rolled his eyes and smacked his lips loudly, earning him an eye roll in return from Levi. Eren’s lips parted in shock at the display of pure disrespect and he rolled his eyes back, giving Levi a smug look as he prepared himself to ask Levi his question. But then Satan roared its ugly head and rolled its eyes like the sassy prima dona it was.

Defeated Eren the Angel stumbled and fell to his knees, clutching at his chest as the breath left his body and he fell face first onto the ground, dead. And all that could be heard was the cackling of Satan as he triumphantly stood over Eren’s dead body; for once taller.

 

finite.

A/N: Thankz zo much for reading guyz!!! I luv u 5evar okey??? Don’t ferget 2 like & subsrcibe linkz r in da descirptoin!!!!! <=====3333

 

 

 

 

Eren blinked and returned to reality, glaring at Levi’s smug expression and huffing. “Whatever. Anyways, I was thinking back about our wedding and-“

“God, why do you have to say it like that? ‘Our wedding’ like it was a planned and something that we actually agreed mutually on after months of dating and being in a relationship.”

Eren stared at Levi with wide eyes and his hands on his hips, “Honey,” his voice was dripped in gooey sweetness and Levi shivered in fear. “If you interrupt me again, I’m going to shit all over this nice clean carpet and stuff your face in it, okay?”Sealing his lips, Levi nodded, terrified that Eren would make good on his promise and actually shit on his carpet because hell no, there was no way that was okay or sane and Eren had that crazy eyed look like that one chick in that Netflix show about girls in prison.

Sealing his lips, Levi nodded, terrified that Eren would make good on his promise and actually shit on his carpet because hell no, there was no way that was okay or sane and Eren had that crazy eyed look like that one chick in that Netflix show about girls in prison.

“Good,” Eren grinned, relaxing from his tense stance and he yawned, “I was thinking about Vegas and _our wedding_ and I couldn’t recall the ring that I gave to you that night, do you remember?”

Levi’s brow furrowed and he looked up in thought. After a minute of thinking, Levi seemed to find his answer and he nodded, looking over at Eren again, “Yeah it was some ring or something, I don’t know. It looked expensive so I put it away in the top drawer of my dresser in case I lost it.” Shrugging, Levi hugged his pillow again and reached for the remote, “Feel free to look for it if you want, just don’t put things out of order.”

A bad feeling made the spit in Eren’s mouth taste bad and he numbly picked at his fingers with nerves as he turned to head towards Levi’s bedroom. Now in front of Levi’s dresser, Eren slowly reached for the knobs and he pulled the top drawer open, eyes immediately catching sight of the sparkling ring.

In the living room, Levi ran a hand through his hair as a fight broke out on the TV and he chuckled to himself. The living room filled with the sound of bleeps from the curse words the women in the show cussed each other out and Levi propped his head on his fist and stared boredly at the screen.

Something was nagging at him and he shifted in his seat, unable to find a comfortable position to sit in before he gave up and paused the TV, getting up to grab a snack from the kitchen. Rubbing at his lower back, Levi stretched his muscles as his bare feet slapped against the tile of the kitchen and he stopped in front of the fridge. Pulling it open, he bent down and searched for something to munch on and decided that having some carrots seemed like a really good idea. Grabbing the bag of baby carrots, Levi straightened up and jerked back in surprise, the fridge door slamming closed as he stumbled into the kitchen counter.

 “What the hell, Eren?!”

Sniffling, Eren clutched the ring in his hands tighter to his chest as he looked down at his feet, mouth quivering as Levi collected himself. “S-Sorry…”

Levi paused and tilted his head to the side, taking in Eren’s wet face and his trembling figure. “Eren?”

The concern in Levi’s voice was what made Eren lose himself to the flood of tears and he squatted down into a ball and let out a sob, snot bubbling from his nose as he tried to control his breathing. “S-Sorry,” Eren tried to speak steadily but instead his voice came out weak and shaky and he cursed himself, hoping that Levi would leave him alone like the Satan he was and not bury his nose in Eren’s asshole where it didn’t belong.

Stiffening as Eren felt arms envelop him, he lifted his head just enough to see Levi was seated on the tile and was pulling Eren into his warm chest and all of a sudden Eren’s nose was buried into Levi’s collar bone and there was a cramp starting to form in his calf but he didn’t care because his eyes were flooding with more tears and he just _needed_ human contact and Levi just so happened to be here. In his own apartment. But that was beside the point because Eren lost himself in the comfort that Levi willingly gave.

Levi didn’t know what the hell was going on or what thing had possessed him that he was sitting on the floor, comforting Eren Jaegar but something had and he was kind of alright with it because strangely his heart gave an awful lurch at the sight of Eren’s tears and wow, who knew he had a heart, amiright? But honestly he wasn’t thinking too much about it because Eren needed him and he was crying and Levi lived with the guy, it would be so awkward if Levi just ignored Eren and left him to cry by himself and then they bumped into each other and whoops that feeling of, ‘I saw you crying but didn’t do anything about it uh oh’ would overcome Levi and he’d have to kick Eren out. No way in hell was he going to endure that shit.

But he decided that maybe a part of him just wanted to see Eren happy and back to his normal self and maybe that was selfish and totally out of character for him but it was true. And he didn’t question why his first instinct to comfort Eren was to hug him because that would be admitting to too much and he was totally not ready for that.

They sat on the floor of Levi’s kitchen, Eren noisily crying onto Levi’s shirt and Levi petting Eren’s hair like he was a dog. There were no words because there didn’t need to be. Actions spoke louder than words and all that jazz.

Or whatever.


	7. Take a Mement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> According to all known laws  
> of aviation,
> 
> there is no way a bee  
> should be able to fly.
> 
> Its wings are too small to get  
> its fat little body off the ground.
> 
> The bee, of course, flies anyway
> 
> because bees don't care  
> what humans think is impossible.
> 
> Yellow, black. Yellow, black.  
> Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
> 
> Ooh, black and yellow!  
> Let's shake it up a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frog-ive me for I have sinned. I'm on winter break so that means I had time to write another chapter, hopefully I won't take as long for the next one. Merry holidays!

Levi should have known that the ring was Mrs. Jaeger’s. Mikasa had told Levi all about how Eren’s mother passed away when he was a teenager. Rubbing a hand down his face, Levi crossed his legs while he blankly stared at the TV. 

He never thought he’d hate the silence that filled his apartment until he was suffocating on it. Stupid Eren, why did he have to infiltrate Levi’s peace and make him miss the crusty idiot. After what happened, Eren avoided Levi as much as possible and quickly moved back into his apartment without much of a warning. And now Levi had to sit on the couch all by himself and go to bed by himself and not have to worry about a cold-footed person putting their ice cubes right in his knee pit. It had only been a few weeks and he already wanted the butt face to move back in.

He hated it.

Levi blinked as the phone rang and he answered, “Hello?” 

“Um, hey,” Levi straightened when he heard Eren’s voice on the other line, “Sorry to bother you but I think I left a sock at your apartment and T-B-H it’s really annoying me so I was wondering if I could possibly maybe come over and grab it? Or maybe you could leave it in a paper bag outside your door… or would that look suspicious? I swear I’m not a drug addict officer, please don’t arrest me, I hate cafeteria food!”

The corner of Levi’s lips lifted as Eren rambled on, having missed the other man’s antics, “That’s fine, why don’t you come over for dinner?”

“And there’s no way I’m sleeping on that mattress, do you know how hard-” Eren paused his rambling and Levi could almost imagine the dot, dot, dot’s above Eren’s head, “Oh, uh, yeah sure. There’s something I wanted to talk to you about anyways.”

“Cool,” Levi searched for something else to say, suddenly feeling awkward, “Uh…”

“Anyways, so I’ll see you later!”

Levi pulled the phone away from his ear to look at the screen, “That bastard hung up on me.”

Just as Levi was standing up to get some triscuits from the pantry, his phone started to ring again but this time it was an unknown caller. He pressed ignore and rolled his eyes, he had told that porn company twenty thousand times that he wasn’t interested and that it was only a one time thing with an ex. 

Levi bit into a triscuit, bliss filling his entire being and he felt his phone vibrating again. Too blissed out to care who was calling, he answered, “Hello?”

“Levi, it’s Eren. I realized that I forgot to ask what time would be good for you and I might have dropped my phone in the spaghetti. Do you think spaghetti sauce ruins iPhones? I hope not, if I go into that Apple store again and they give me the same attitude like they did the last twenty times I went, I’m going to be so annoyed with Steve Jobs, who does he think he is hiring these people? Anyways, so what time works for you?”

Levi swallowed the chewed-up triscuit and shrugged (even though no one could see him but he felt better doing it, like it was a release of energy and he was also an adult so fuck you). “How about like sixish?”

“Great!” 

Again, Levi pulled the phone away from his ear to look at the screen. That motherfucking duck licker had hung up on him again. “Fuck this, I’m never talking to him again,” Levi shook his head and placed his phone on the counter because there was no way he was ever answering it again, he didn’t care how many phones Eren dropped in the spaghetti.

He fell onto his couch and curled up with a pillow, eyes on the screen but mind somewhere else where there was no such thing as dead parents or grass stains and where Eren could just move back in with him without it being weird.

[POOP]

Levi had just finished putting the food in the oven so it would keep warm when he heard a long bang followed by a muffled groan. Eyebrows creased, he walked over to the door and peered through the peephole before he pulled away with a sigh and rolled his eyes as he opened the door.

And there was Eren, bent over with a hand rubbing his nose that was turning a bright shade of red, “I might have ran into your door… why did you change the locks?”

Levi raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms, “Why did you run full throttle at my door?”

Eren looked up at Levi with pursed lips for a mement, “Touchy.”

“You mean touche.”

“Wah, whatever, who cares about that, what I care about is what is that beautiful smell because homeboy is so hangry it’s not even funny.” Finally Eren straightened up and he pushed Levi aside and hurried into the apartment. 

Sighing again, Levi closed the door and followed Eren, knowing that he’ll fuck something up and Levi will have to clean up his mess. 

“Yes!” Eren bounced over to Levi and grabbed Levi’s shoulders with a wide smile, “You got Randy’s? Fuck yes, their mashed potatoes are the best,” he let go of Levi and bounced away.

Levi didn’t know what to do, still lost in the feeling of Eren’s closeness. 

“Levi, can we watch a movie while we eat? I miss your TV and unlimited choice of free movies,” Eren dug around the fridge and looked up at Levi from behind the fridge door, “Uh… Levi? You okay?”

Blinking, Levi rolled his eyes and pushed the fridge door so it would squish Eren who let out a squeak and glared at Levi, “Don’t you think you should be more polite and ask me how my day has been or something?”

Eren grabbed a bottle of beer and closed the fridge door before he looked up, pondering Levi’s question with a serious expression. He blinked and looked at Levi before he shrugged and twisted the top off of his beer, “But why would I care about that?”

Growling, Levi snatched the beer from Eren and took a large sip, “Don’t just drink my beer without asking me you shit wipe.”

Eren pouted at his stolen beer before he grabbed another before Levi could stop him, “What’s mine is yours, right Levi? Isn’t that what being married is all about?”

“Shut the hell up,” Levi placed his beer on the counter before he opened the oven and took the bag of food out of it, glad that the food was still hot and he unpacked everything. He heard Eren grabbing plates from the cabinet and silverware from the drawer and a tiny part of his stomach lurched at the domestic feeling that this night had turned into.

“Here,” Eren handed Levi napkins and Levi paused and looked at the swan shaped napkin, confusion running through him.

“Um…”

“Oh yeah, did I mention that I work at that expensive membership only club in town? They make us fold the napkins like this everyday, it’s the worst but the tips are really nice. I guess I just did it without thinking, sorry,” Eren went to grab the napkin but Levi slapped his hand away and hugged the swan to his chest.

“Don’t you dare touch him again.”

Eren gave Levi a wide-eyed stare and he took a step away, hands raised, “Woah man, didn’t know you were nuts, thanks for dinner, I’ll be making my leave now,” Eren slowly backed out of the kitchen as Levi grinned and grabbed the younger man’s shirt.

“I’m just messing with you, calm down.”

A shit-eating grin spread across Eren’s face and he faced Levi, face looming over his. “So how has your day been?”

Levi shifted and crossed his arm, gripping his beer tightly, “Fine.”

Eren tilted his head, “I saw that there was a new episode of House Wives… did you watch it?”

Hesitating, Levi looked away from Eren and nodded, “Yeah.” How did Eren know that his favorite show was House Wives? And why did seeing a commercial for the new season make Eren think of Levi? Levi’s head started to hurt just thinking about it.

“That’s good, I know that you get grumpy if you miss an episode, I don’t know how many times you snapped at me when I interrupted you,” Eren moved away from Levi and pulled out a barstool.

Brow furrowed, Levi grabbed the bag of food and dug through it, pulling the food from inside, “Have you ever thought that maybe I snapped at you just because you were living with me?”

“Listen man, if you had to live in a place that you were afraid you’d be slaughtered by a banana 24/7, you’d swallow your pride and go to your mortal enemies place too,” Levi placed a plate full of food in front of Eren, and he stuffed a piece of bread into his mouth as he spoke. 

“Chew your food before you talk, idiot,” Levi threw a napkin at Eren’s head and sat next to Eren. “And I don’t think I would ever get into that situation in the first place. I’m actually a very nice and polite person.”

Eren choked on mashed potato and he slammed a hand down on the table as he swallowed his food, “Y-You are?! Who would’ve known?”

Glaring at Eren, Levi hunched over his food like that small being from Lord of the Rings who obsesses over rings or whatever. 

“Aw, don’t be mad, I’m just joking, baby. You’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met,” Eren nudged Levi’s shoulder with a smirk, elbow digging into Levi’s side. 

“Shut the fuck up, turd brain. And don’t ever call me baby again, it makes me want to barf all over you,” despite Levi’s words, his cheeks flamed up and his stomach swirled with nervousness. 

“Speaking of babies,” Eren change of tone made Levi look up at him and pause as he was about to take another bite of food, “I have something to tell you and I don’t know if you’re gonna like it. I kind of actually think you’ll hate it but I never know how you’ll react to things but anyways, I have something that I want to tell you and I would really appreciate it if you would listen and not overreact.” 

Placing a finger to Eren’s lips to shut him up, Levi sighed and gathered up his courage. He had a feeling he knew what Eren wanted to say to him and his heart quickened just at the thought of it. He didn’t know if he was ready for it but he knew in his heart that it was right. Who would have thought that they would have come this far from where they started out? 

“You don’t have to say anything, I do too.”

Eren blinked, eyes widening as his lips parted under Levi’s, “Really?”

“Yeah…” Levi looked down and dropped his finger, “I mean. It’s obvious isn’t it?”

Chewing on his lip, Eren looked away from Levi, “I guess. I just never thought it’d come to this. So much has changed, you’ve changed…” A sad expression came onto his face and Levi’s brow furrowed, “For some reason I feel like I’ll regret this decision.”

“Regret?” Levi felt confused, what did Eren mean? Didn’t Eren feel the same way about Levi as Levi did Eren? “Regret what?”

“You know,” Eren waved a hand between them, “Getting a divorce.”

“A-A divorce…” shock ran throughout Levi and he shifted away from Eren, suddenly wanting to get the hell out of the room as soon as possible. “I’ve gotta shit,” he pushed his chair back and walked speedily out of the kitchen and into the hall, hands clenching and unclenching. He pushed the bathroom door closed and leaned against it, sliding down to the floor like every other protagonist who has a meltdown in a crappy romantic comedy.

Placing his face into his hands, Levi cursed himself for letting himself be coerced into thinking that he has feelings for Eren. He should have known better than to let himself think that he was capable of feeling that way towards the idiot. Levi would never fall for him. Ever. 

With resolve, Levi slowly stood up and glared at himself in the mirror to make himself more manly and not like he was almost about to confess his (delusional) feelings. Because men don’t do such things as express themselves or have feelings. This is the twenty-first century come on now.

Without saying anything, Levi walked back into the kitchen and picked up his and Eren’s dish, who was still happily eating from it when Levi picked it up and Eren made a sound of protest. 

“‘M nawt dun!”

“Yes you are. I’ll email you the papers for the divorce, now get out of my apartment, I had just gotten your stench out of my sheets.” Levi scraped the leftover food into the trash and placed the dishes into the sink, all the while making sure his back was to Eren. 

“What? Wait, hold on, I don’t get it. Are you joking or are you serious?”

Levi swallowed at the sound of the hurt in Eren’s voice but he pushed his feelings away and turned around with a sneer, “Sorry, I’ll dumb it down for you since you’re an idiot. Get. Out.”

Eren blinked, eyes wide and lips parted. Hurt was written all over his face and Levi clenched his hands to hold himself together and to remind himself that he did not in fact love this idiot. Eren’s face transformed into one of anger and he glared at Levi with a fire that made Levi’s stomach clench painfully, “Fine, asshole. I was about to leave anyways, I’ve gotta get myself examined at the hospital to look for any Satan cooties!” 

Levi held his breath as Eren stormed out of the kitchen. He didn’t follow him in case he did something stupid and a few moments later, Levi heard the door slam shut. Sighing, Levi turned towards the sink and started the water. Instead of washing the dishes, he stared blankly at the water as he realized that all these years he’d been calling Eren an idiot when really Levi was the idiot all along.

[POOP]

“I don’t know what to tell you, Levi. You royally screwed up.”

Levi snorted and took a sip of his latte, “Whatever, I don’t care what that fool thinks of me.”

“I see…” Mikasa tucked her hair behind her ears and glared at Levi from across the table they shared. 

Levi glanced up and stared blankly back at her. He wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of glaring back at her and instead he calmly stared back at her until she looked away at her phone as it vibrated. 

“See,” she held out her phone to Levi and he read the plethora of messages that Eren had sent her just in the past hour.

 

_ r u w the asshole _

_ respond _

_ mikasa im sers if u r i will never forgive u _

_ ok ill forgive u since hes ur bro but i will never give u a birthday present ever again _

_ i lied i bought u a pres  _

_ mikasaaaaaa _

_ i h8 him _

_ i even went into the trouble of finding the 8 to put h8 that should show how much i h8 him _

_ i hope he dies _

_ but in a nice way _

_ like  _

_ he gets attacked by wolves _

_ but theyre cute _

_ can you buy me socks btw?  _

 

“What did you do?”

“Nothing, he’s just a big baby. Enough about him, I’m getting a headache just thinking about him. What’s up with you an-”

“No.” Mikasa interrupted Levi, “What’s really happening here, because I know you and I know when you’re hiding something. So,” she placed a hand on the table and leaned forward with a menacing air around her. “You are going to tell me.”

Sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose, Levi felt his resolve waver because if there was someone who he could trust, it’s Mikasa (and it might also have to do with the fact that when Mikasa wanted to put fear in people’s hearts, even Levi couldn’t escape). 

“I might have developed feelings for... Eren.”


End file.
